Did that woman really get up to move next to your husband because you sniffled for not wearing a scarf that day or just wanted the corner seat on the subway? Is that person really stopping dead in their tracks because they saw you walk in? Did that guy really yell “Yeah you walk away I don't want to get no Corona” was that directed at you or someone else? Are you just seeing things? Is your mind just being paranoid after reading all the news?
It's been a month since the world was declared pandemic and like most people you want this foreboding sense of fear to be over. Except you want it over so you can prepare for a different battle. The aftermath fallout than virus itself.
In some respects you wish your parents taught you about racism. You didn't have to learn it for myself by simple trying to live a good life and be treated with confusion and . But maybe its for the better since they either don't see it or their experiences involves wading grey area the size of an ocean. You've been blessed to never been called a slur but you've have plenty of times asked if you're one ethnicity or the next more than you can count. You have been greeted with “Ni Hao” and folded hands as you walk to the subway station blocks from your apartment. Your answers have been automatic because you thought people were interested where you came from. The more it keeps happening you realize it's not. It turns into a pet peeve.
You wanted to come to NYC to feel more at home. It's strange that the vacations to Hong Kong and Malaysia was so comforting as a child. There's so much importance and depth to be around people who look like you that extends beyond your own family. It's such a weird feeling: you're not alone. The difference is NYC is not like other. Not everyone looks like you so they have less to judge. At least in NYC there is a camaraderie of we are all here trying to do our own thing. We have more important things to care about than first impressions. There should be more important things to care about.
At least tell your parents told you people were “dumb” for thinking like that and they give you the slow eyes of confusion when judgement on physical appearance. And while they made you be aware you wish they gave you strength to face it rather than ignore. You wish you didn't ignore because now you yourself can't seem to differentiate it. You cannot have blinders and also be alert of everything around you at the same time.
But words are just words after all.
The problem is words still hurt. Subtle body movements still hurt. Getting asked in the grocery store on how to cook bok choy by a stranger is just weird an awkward. Why did they choose you and not a store staff? Why does the way you look mean you are an expert, an ambassador, to educate on something on your culture that you may or may not know? The weight of automatic expertise is extremely heavy.
But then what would they have prepared you to do? To ignore what's going on around you and focus on good grades and getting a good job? Or to fight for a cause they don't believe exists or ignores it exists? It hurts less if you choose not to see it.
As first generation born there is exists a weird balance to have American values of you should be able to do anything, that was why you were born here, only to find it's more trouble than it's worth to stand out. But what if you already stand out just for looking different. It was very clear very early on the lines between you and everyone else. You had parents who both worked but at odd hours. You were the only child in your town that you knew of that went to additional school. You were a latch key kid for a short time. You were happy to be all these things. And you were okay being the only Chinese person in your grade. Until one day you weren't. Or you told your parents were made fun off for whatever petty reason and you're mother told you to ignore it. You're father said just do your homework.
Which words hurt more? The answer is they both do.
In college, you bought Yellow by Frank H. Wu and was told not to believe it, that it was too political. What is too political? Being Asian American? Having a sense of pride of having such a unique quality? You're forever searching how society should treat you and how you should act because no one taught you. It was expected that it would be automatic. You realize now they were only able to take you so far but wish there was a part of your memory that they taught you how to take yourself further without them. You've always felt that something was wrong because you looked different. You don't feel ashamed but also that you feel proud either. Pride is not part of the program. If there is no pride then you only have the opposite: to find a place to fit in.
The more you try to fit in the more you find the flaws, the negatives, the weight of what makes you different sets you apart. You are left with that hovering omniscient fact that you can't belong no matter how hard you try. So you've just accepted it. But this acceptance comes the weight depression and futility. Taking Intro Asian American Studies didn't help but it made you aware there are stories there aren't told. Those stories could help you how to relate where your parents cannot. It didn't but it feels like a direction you could follow with security.
Your parent's beginning and middle are different, which is fine but they should at least attempt to see where you're coming from instead of staying on the path. You should understand where their coming from but asking directly seems too impolite and rely on trickle down memories. Your mother was in London having her “lunchbox” moment while your father was in California during the riots where one friend's father knew better to stay away from either side even if they believed their cause was right.
Should you be mad? Should you scream? Should you be sad? Most of all you just feel lost, confused, depressed at staring at double-sided mirrored glass thats on all sides not just a ceiling. It's not a regular mirror. At certain angles you can see yourself but you can also see the faint shades of other people but because you are boxed in you can't completely connect with others. Because you are completely aware that you are in a box and can't get out. You accept it but everything is partial disconnected.
You hope that someone will find comfort in your words. That someone can maybe relate to you so you feel less lonely.
